


The Pudding Revelation

by Snackajax



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Futurefic, Gen, One-Shot, Oneshot, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25781623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snackajax/pseuds/Snackajax
Summary: Chloe has a suspicion about one of their witnesses. Lucifer is adamant it can't possibly be true.There's also some shopping and other shenanigans.(Despite the mention of pudding, Dan is sadly absent from this fic...)
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Lucifer Morningstar, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	The Pudding Revelation

**Author's Note:**

> Heeeeey! Welcome to my first fanfic of the Lucifer Fandom! I haven't written anything literally in years and this show managed to drag me back in! The Devil made me do it ;)
> 
> I only started watching the show back in February of this year (side note: I didn't realise UK Netflix only had season 4 - so I had a very bemused first 5 minutes, having accidentally skipped seasons 1-3 XD) but like all Lucifans I am completely obsessed and Fanfics are the only thing keeping me sane right now! (Less than two weeks... Less than two weeks... O.O)
> 
> This is just a one-shot, some silliness that came into my head that got way out of hand (don't they all?)

It was mid-week, and although the revelries of Lux seldom conformed to the whims of the working week, the night was sedate enough that the Devil and his Detective could occupy a booth without distraction.

Music still thrummed through the air, luring eager feet to the dance floor. Lucifer however ignored the throng, fully invested in his conversation with Chloe, who was casually tucked into his side. The wild gesticulations from Lucifer however telegraphed his current agitation.

“No Detective! I am not disputing the potential of her nature in some way being Celestial.” He implored, “I am however following your good example and waiting for – what was it? Oh yes, _proof_.”

Chloe’s patent eye-roll followed, but she was clearly fighting the urge to smile all the same.

“Proof? Come on Lucifer, the evidence is right there in front of you!” She gestures vaguely in the direction of one of Lux’s podiums. Next to it, a dark haired woman is leaning over and talking animatedly with one of the dancers. Without missing a step of the routine, the dancer seemed to be responding gleefully in kind to whatever the young woman was saying.

Lucifer dropped back into his seat with a huff, his arms crossed in a sulk.

“It’s a hypothesis; _your hypothesis-”_ the Devil persisted.

“Maze agrees with me.” Chloe interrupts him with a grin.

“Oh please,” now Lucifer snorts with a roll of his own eyes, “Maze would say she was sick of threesomes if she thought it would wind me up!”

Chloe wouldn’t go as far as to say Maze had been _affectionate_ with the young woman, but she had certainly been more amenable than she usually would be with a complete stranger (or with a stranger she didn’t intend to drag back to her bed). The demon had been pursuing her own investigation into the mystery woman’s identity but, like Chloe and Lucifer, had come up with nothing concrete.

“Well we can at least assume she’s not human – or at least not _entirely_ human. Just wish she could remember what happened to her, and why she was even there?”

*

The crime scene was situated in an entryway just outside of a large conference hall, adjacent to and owned by The Elysium Hotel. The ordinary hotel patrons gave the hall a wide birth, while dozens of convention guests remained cordoned off and were gradually being processed by a handful of UNIs.

One wall and a couple of flanking pillars were spattered with gunfire – most likely an automatic rifle, single shooter.

Chloe bypassed the area entirely, Lucifer sauntering behind her. The officer that initially arrived on scene was adamant that the Detective speak with a particular witness first.

So Chloe and Lucifer approached a dark haired young woman. She was huddled under a large rumpled suit jacket, sitting on a bench sheltered beneath some decorative foliage. She was clearly deep in thought, index finger pressed to her lips and her legs bouncing in agitation.

Her head snapped up at Chloe and Lucifer’s approach.

“Hi, you must be Sam. I’m Detective Decker and this is my partner Mr Morningstar. We just wanted to ask some follow up questions if you’re up to it?”

Sam shifted as if about to stand but then seemed to think better of it and remained seated. Instead she straightened the lines of her over-sized jacket and shook the proffered hand of the Detective.

“I’m not sure there’s anything I can tell you. I already explained when I gave my statement...” She said, eyes jumping between Chloe and Lucifer.

Chloe was momentarily taken aback. No one had mentioned this witness was British – or at least she _sounded_ it. The accent was subtler than Lucifer’s but it was there. Although, the way Lucifer was inclined to hamming it up (“ _Detective! My accent is as genuine as any other – this just happens to feel more_ me!”) maybe Sam’s accent wasn’t as subtle as Chloe thought.

“That’s alright. I’m hoping maybe we can jog your memory. Anything you can tell us would be a help.” Right now, her priority was to straighten out the sequence of events and so far Chloe had already noted a couple of gaping holes in the story.

The young woman sighed in resignation, “What would you like to know?”

“Just walk us through what happened. What’s the first thing you remember Sam?”

“Detective, I don’t remember _anything_. I don’t even know if Sam is my real name. It’s the first thing that came to me but from the moment I woke up everything else has been a huge blank.” Sam threw her arms out in a gesture of frustration. The material of the cumbersome jacket following in her wake seemed to jolt her. She immediately curled back in upon herself.

Lucifer peered at the woman curiously. “Hmmm, well you certainly don’t look like you’re on a down. What’s your narcotic of choice?” He questioned.

Chloe startled at the segue, “Lucifer! She’s not in possession of any drugs!”

“Have you checked?” Lucifer responded blithely, momentarily directing his focus back to the Detective. “It’s just in my experience a bad trip can leave you humans at a bit of a loss when it comes to memory retention.”

Sam’s gaze jumped curiously back and forth between the two of them again, utterly confused by the change in subject.

“ _And,_ I’m curious to see if it’s one I’ve tried before. Come on Detective! It’s been ages since I tried anything new to tickle my fancy.” He exclaimed gleefully. The Detective rolled her eyes in exasperation but Lucifer did not seem put-off, relishing in her reaction. In an instant however his attention whiplashed back to Sam.

“Have you checked her pockets?” Lucifer gave the woman a brief perusal then asked, “That’s not your jacket is it? Come on! You have a stash somewhere?”

Chloe slapped his hand down as he made a beckoning motion to their witness. Sam jerked back perplexed and instinctively drew the jacket tighter around herself.

“Lucifer! _She-is-a-witness_ , not a suspect! I’m so sorry, ignore my partner. We’re not accusing you of anything.” Chloe flustered. She took a moment to compose herself then addressed Sam once again.

“Okay, so maybe you were here for the convention? If you were entering the hall, ticket pick-up usually requires ID confirmation. Do you have a passport? Drivers Licence? A credit card?”

These were all questions that likely had been covered already, but in Chloe’s experience it never hurt to double check.

Sam shrugged apologetically and shook her head. She made a show of checking her pockets, including the questionable jacket, but came up with nothing but a single note.

“A hundy? Is that all?” Lucifer scoffed.

Chloe glared. Of course he would think a hundred dollar bill was a paltry sum. But neither was it too suspicious - tourists sometimes carried larger sums of cash, especially if they didn’t have a credit card.

“I guess we’ll have to stick with ‘Sam’ for now. Don’t worry, the event organisers are helping with our investigation.” They were already collating security footage. If they could identify the window of Sam’s arrival, they could also identify the tickets collected in that time and narrow down a potential list of names.

“I’m sure we’ll find some kind of record to confirm your identity, and then we can get you in contact with the UK Consulate. Now back to when you woke up. Does anything here look familiar to you?” Chloe persisted.

“I woke up over there.” Sam pointed to the floor, a few yards right of the bullet-spattered wall. “There was shouting. A man was shaking me, telling me to get up. He’d put his jacket on me and pulled me up. I think the police were already here.” She shrugged. It was nothing more illuminating than her original statement.

“Eye witnesses say you distracted the gunman. You don’t remember doing that?” Chloe asked. This was why the UNI on first arrival had insisted the Detective come straight to this witness. Aberrations between different witness statements happened, but this was the one thing that appeared to be consistent.

The young woman shook her head and shrunk back. Sam suddenly looked very small and lost. For an instant Chloe felt a protective urge, like it was Trixie sitting in front of her, and not a full grown woman.

“Well if everyone’s accounts are to be believed, you saved a lot of lives today.” Chloe stated gently, trying to dispel the uncertain aura that had enveloped Sam.

Sam’s gaze was focussed somewhere behind Lucifer and Chloe. With a dour expression she quietly said, “Not everyone’s.”

They both turned in unison, their eyes landing on the body bag being rolled out of the building.

Chloe’s heart clenched. This wasn’t her job. Civilians weren’t supposed to feel that ache, endure the pain of not getting there in time. Once you threw yourself in the line of fire it opened up a whole Pandora’s Box of ‘what-ifs?’

“Sam, what you did was incredible. Believe me when I say saving just one life is a miracle. Thanks to you there are dozens of people here that get to go home to their families.” Chloe couldn’t help thinking of Trixie again in that moment. She literally had a celestial bodyguard at her beck and call and yet the notion that she might not return home to her daughter one day still haunted her.

Perhaps it was thoughts of her own Little Monkey, or the guileless shimmer in Sam’s eyes, but Chloe was fighting the urge to wrap this woman up in her arms and shelter her from all the terrible events of the day. Instead she settled for a comforting squeeze of Sam’s arm.

“I’m gonna have one of our officers drive you down to the station and maybe ask some follow up questions. So unless you happen to remember your hotel, you’ll have to stay there until we figure out somewhere for you to stay, okay?” Sam gave Chloe a tight nod in understanding, “Is there anything else you can think of, anything at all, about what happened here today?”

Sam stiffened under Chloe’s arm. Her eyes widened in panic. Chloe and Lucifer regarded each other, both noting the strange reaction.

“I need to return that man’s jacket.” Sam croaked; the nervous tremble in her voice was evident. Chloe raised her eyebrows at the odd confession.

“ _Why?_ Made of that cheap fabric, you’d be doing him a favour!” Lucifer exclaimed.

There was no verbal response. Instead Sam’s eyes darted around wildly, her demeanour decidedly tense. Once she seemed assured that no one else was paying any attention to their conversation, she slowly turned in her seat. Sam offered her back - shoulders tightly hunched in anxiety - and gently let the jacket slip down.

There was an audible gasp, which Chloe realised had come from her own mouth. Her eyes snapped to Lucifer, her look of alarm mirrored in his expression.

Sam yanked the jacket back into place and looked back up imploringly at Chloe and Lucifer.

But there was no denying what was hidden underneath the ragged jacket: three succinct tears of her shirt - _bullet holes_ \- pale flesh peaking from beneath with no sign of blood or even the slightest hint of bruising.

In that moment Chloe decided that Sam would come down to the station in her cruiser immediately.

*

They arrived promptly at the precinct, their first destination being the Detective’s desk. They offered Sam the vacant chair, which she duly took, still slightly in a daze. Chloe offered her coffee and vending machine snacks. Lucifer offered her a – _stolen –_ pudding cup, which she also accepted demurely. Once settled, Chloe immediately marched to the conference room, dragging Lucifer with her.

She rounded on him in an instant, “Well?”

“Well what?” Lucifer replied nonplussed.

“Who is she?” Chloe prompted.

“How the Me should I know?” Lucifer exclaimed.

“She’s bullet proof Lucifer!” Chloe gestured to the young woman in exasperation. The woman in question was tentatively peeling back the foil of the pilfered pudding cup. _Dan_ was quite clearly scrawled on the top. She took a curious sniff then proceeded to consume a spoonful in contentment.

“Yes.” Lucifer frowned, “I could see that for myself!”

Chloe jabbed him unceremoniously in the chest.

“The only people I know of on this earth who can bounce bullets of their chests like they’re spit-balls are you and Amenadiel!”

“ _Spit-balls?”_ Lucifer flinched, overcome with disgust at the image, “I mean, _really_ Detective?”

“I’m asking is she one of your siblings?” Chloe hissed, starting to lose her patience. She glanced once again at the woman sat at her desk. The pudding cup was temporarily forgotten in favor of a bag of chips.

“No!” Lucifer shifted his gaze as though momentarily uncertain of his own conviction. “Granted I have a lot of them but I’d certainly recognise if one of them turned up at a crime scene!”

“But could she still be an angel?” Chloe persisted.

“No-” Lucifer paused, “I don’t know? Maybe?”

Chloe made a small growl of frustration in the back of her throat. She kept half her attention on their civilian charge but Lucifer’s own pacing was a distraction.

“Probably not.” He hedged. “It’s impossible for an angel to get amnesia of all things...”

He finally came to a stop and took another discerning look at Sam.

“Though I suppose I could check?” he said hesitantly.

 _Check? Well why didn’t he do that in the first place?_ Chloe thought. Then she remembered. One frantic episode of Lucifer-brand paranoia; standing in her mother’s beach house, her shirt raised at the back, gentle hands brushing warmly across bare skin. He’d been checking for _wings_.

“What, like you did when you suspected me?” Chloe demanded. Suddenly that thought did not sit right with her. Not at all. “No. No way. You are not doing that to her! Especially not here!”

Lucifer almost seemed relieved by the interdiction. Chloe turned her attention back to Sam while Lucifer resumed his pacing, grumbling about _damn celestial nonsense_ and _dad probably having a bloody laugh_.

Sam was still patiently sat at the Detective’s desk, blissfully unaware of the frantic discussion she was currently at the centre of. Chloe watched as she resumed her tasting of the purloined chocolaty confection.

After a moment Sam’s gazed landed on the chips. She took one delicately in her fingers, dipped it curiously in the pudding and then popped the bizarre concoction in her mouth. Sam seemed to contemplate as she chewed, until finally she leaned back with a satisfied smirk. Why did Chloe find it so endearing?

Then it clicked.

_Bullet-proof skin. The accent. The ridiculous snack disposition. The slightly genteel hint of a roman nose so achingly familiar._

“Oh my God!” Chloe choked.

“ _Detective!_ ” Lucifer huffed, instantly jolted out of his monologue by mention of his Father. But Chloe ignored him. She continued to look on, slack-jawed at her desk’s occupant. 

“Chloe...?” He hesitated, glancing at Sam then back to Chloe after she still made no attempt to respond.

Then Chloe snapped. She spun back to Lucifer, panic and confusion evident in her eyes.

“We have to get her to the Penthouse. Now.” Chloe concluded.

“What? Why?” Lucifer’s worry evaporated, instead petulant at such a suggestion.

“She’s not one of your siblings...” Chloe said, dragging Lucifer to the door. She shot him with a determined look, “She’s _yours._ ”

*

They had barely been at the precinct ten minutes before they were back in Chloe’s cruiser. Sam sat in the backseat, merrily finishing off the bag of chips. Lucifer was sulking.

“This is ridiculous!” he grouched.

“It’s possible.” Chloe replied, though her focus remained mainly on the road.

“No it is not.” Lucifer huffed and puffed, folding his arms stubbornly.

“Why not?” Chloe rounded. She didn’t have any patience for one of his tantrums right now.

“Because _I_ cannot impregnate anyone!” Lucifer gasped in exasperation. _Honestly!_ He thought. _You would think we hadn’t already had this conversation_.

Well, okay. Maybe they hadn’t exactly had _this_ conversation. The actual conversation had mostly amounted to the Detective’s declaration of her having an IUD and Lucifer’s declaration that he didn’t care and frankly just wanted to rip her bloody clothes off.

“What about Linda?” Chloe countered.

“Exactly! I slept with her and didn’t get her pregnant!” Lucifer crowed as though vindicated.

There was a stony silence. Lucifer turned and winced at Chloe’s withering glare.

“Oh, you meant Charlie.” Lucifer realised sheepishly. Yes, his half-angel nephew existed but he had nothing to do with that!

“Well go accuse Amenadiel then!” Lucifer grumped in return.

Chloe rolled her eyes at the ridiculous deflection.

“I’m fairly certain it’s you Lucifer.” Chloe disassembled carefully. As sure as she was, Chloe didn’t feel comfortable springing Sam’s potential paternity on her. What if it all was just coincidence? What if she really was something else? What if she was a kind of miracle like Chloe?

“Why?” Lucifer pushed.

“I’ve got a hunch, okay?” was all Chloe could say. It was all spurious at best but something in her gut made her feel certain.

“A _hunch?!_ ” Lucifer exclaimed.

“Whatever happened to ‘ _You’re clearly smart and have notable instincts... trust yourself’_?” Chloe hissed, making air quotes whilst attempting to impersonate Lucifer’s accent. Lucifer glared back at her in return.

There was a sudden snort of laughter behind them. Lucifer and Chloe jumped, both made aware again that they were not in fact the sole occupants of the vehicle.

“Sorry,” Sam cringed in embarrassment. She felt bad for startling them both but, “it’s just... That was a _terrible_ accent.”

“Thank you!” Lucifer proclaimed in agreement.

His face however dropped again at the Detective’s smug and knowing look.

Although she had no idea what was going on, Sam could feel the tension simmering in the car. And whatever it was, she couldn’t help feeling it had something to do with her.

“Seriously though, if I’m causing a problem please don’t put yourselves out. You’re taking the whole mysterious-bullet-holes-thing a lot better than I would have thought. I’m not even sure why I showed you.” She chattered nervously. Sam paused for breath then suddenly dropped her face into her hands.

“Urgh! I hate feeling so vulnerable!”

Chloe raised her eyebrows pointedly. Lucifer pointedly ignored her.

“Sam, you’re not a problem. You can trust us. Believe me, this isn’t even the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.” Chloe cajoled.

“Really?” She whimpered.

Chloe look at the rear view mirror and caught Sam’s eyes peaking between her clenched palms. With a soft smile Chloe assured her, “Really.”

“Even though I’m...” Sam sniffed, gesturing vaguely to her back.

Chloe was about to respond again but was sharply cut off.

“Right. That’s it.” Lucifer snapped. “Change of plan. Detective, turn here.”

The disgruntled Devil waved his hand toward a familiar turn off. Chloe blinked in confusion.

“What? Lucifer, that’ll take us practically to Rodeo Drive.”

“Exactly.” He sniffed. “She can’t keep wearing that shredded excuse for a shirt...”

*

Of course the moment they entered the boutique, the Manager recognised Lucifer. Idle chatter was exchanged, and tall bubbling glasses were procured. Once Lucifer had directed attention to Sam and explained the nature of their visit the Manager lit up with glee.

With a wave of their hand, the Manager summoned for assistance. A woman with a perfectly put together face and an immaculately put together ensemble appeared almost instantly. She beamed with a well practiced smile and subtly appraised their newest arrivals.

And although the assistant’s eyes slid over to Lucifer – because of course, they always did – her gaze lingered notably on Sam, with an awed, almost hungry expression.

Lucifer frowned, not so much for the lack of attention, but something disquieted him about the interaction. Lucifer shook himself out of the odd feeling and flashed his charming smile once again. He relinquished Sam to the assistant’s tender mercies and directed them to find a selection of various attires.

The assistant bounced away with Sam swept up in her wake. Lucifer watched their progress through the displays even as the Manager directed them away to a lounging area with offers of more champagne. Chloe hid a smile as Lucifer continued his surveillance, oblivious to his own behaviour.

Once the Manager had left them in peace, Lucifer and Chloe settled down and waited for Sam’s eventual return.

“You didn’t use your mojo on her.” Chloe remarked, and took a small sip from her glass.

“And?” Lucifer replied, still distracted.

“Why didn’t you?” Chloe asked.

“She can’t remember anything Detective, what desire could I possibly draw out of her?” Lucifer sighed, absent-mindedly draining his own glass.

“I just find it interesting that you didn’t even attempt to-” Chloe made an eye-to-eye gesture with her fingers, “I mean, what if she made the whole amnesia thing up?”

“I hardly think that likely.” Lucifer deadpanned.

“Or maybe,” Chloe sing-songed, stroking a finger around the rim of her glass, “it’s because she seems like someone _who always tells the truth?_ ”

“Really Detective?” Lucifer returned with a hard stare.

Sam returned, slightly flushed and juggling an assortment of clothes. The assistant soon followed likewise laden with items and staring adoringly up at Sam. Their arms were filled with everything from shirts to dresses, jackets and jumpsuits. Chloe even spotted inexplicably a sparkling, barely there bikini swimsuit.

There were jewel tones and shimmering fabrics, all clamouring to be displayed upon Sam’s personage. The assistant seemed to be doggedly proffering a particular dress; deep ochre, shoulder-less and short enough to be scandalous on Sam’s tall figure.

Chloe suppressed a grin once she realised Lucifer had also clocked the dress and was unsuccessfully trying to fight a sour expression.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Sam huffed anxiously. She eyed the clothing in her arms warily. “Honestly, I’d be happy with jeans and a t-shirt from Target.”

Lucifer snapped back to attention at that comment.

“Well _I_ wouldn’t be.” He said rising from his seat, “I’ll not have you hanging around Lux in thrift store rags!”

“Hey! _I_ buy clothes from Target!” Chloe bristled. Lucifer grinned back at her, his eye twinkling with mischief.

“And yet I still love you.” He declared, sneaking a kiss to the Detective’s cheek before she could retort.

“I’m serious, look at these prices! I’ll never be able to pay you back.” Sam pleaded.

“Oh don’t worry about that Sam.” Chloe spoke, insults to her own wardrobe choices momentarily forgotten. Instead she continued, her eyes sharp on Lucifer, “Believe me, he can afford to indulge you.”

The assistant nodded along automatically, practically hypnotised by both Sam and Lucifer’s presence.

“Well perhaps not that one,” Lucifer admonished, plucking the offending tawny dress from the assistant’s grasp. “Does nothing for your complexion darling. Right! Go on!”

Lucifer waved them towards the dressing room.

Chloe stood up to approach Sam and asked “D’you need a hand?”

“Please!” Sam pleaded in relief. At the admission, Chloe plucked several of the items bundled in their arms to help carry through to the next room. The assistant enthusiastically made to follow but was stopped short by Lucifer’s abrupt clearing of his throat.

“ _You_ can stay right here.” Lucifer announced sharply. He seemed surprised by his own aggrieved tone and took a moment to collect himself before amending, “We still need to discuss payment.”

*

“You own this place _?_ ” Sam squealed in excitement.

“Well, naturally.” Lucifer preened under Sam’s obvious star-struck awe.

“It’s gorgeous!” She insisted, spinning round to take in the reserved grandeur of the club. Lucifer grinned even wider at Sam’s enthusiasm.

“Yes, well, while you’re staying here you’re welcome at Lux anytime. Likewise if you need anything, you need only ask myself or Patrick.” Lucifer indicated the handsome gentleman standing behind the bar with his nose in a ledger. Patrick raised his head at the mention of his name, smiling strikingly.

Sam waved happily at Patrick with a bright smile. The bartender found himself jauntily waving back immediately.

Chloe returned to Lucifer’s side, after instructing the other staff where to put their newest purchases. She gave a happy giggle at the sight of Sam prancing around the empty club. For a moment, the young women seemed to have escaped her recent trauma and a genuine happy glow was lighting her face.

Through Sam’s explorations they soon discovered that she barely knew which keys were which on a piano, but had the singing voice of – well of an angel, and that she knew all the words to Starman flawlessly. Sam continued to twirl excitedly as Lucifer plinked away at the piano.

“Who’s the ballerina?” Mazikeen sneered from the stairway. Her confident strides quickly ate up the distance to the bar.

“Ah Maze! Just the demon I wanted to see!” Lucifer cheered, rising from his seat and joining her.

Sam paused in her idolisation and regarded the new face curiously.

“Yeah, wha’d’ya summon me here for, you couldn’t have said over the phone?” Maze grouched, marching directly to her desired top-shelf.

“Well we’ve got ourselves a bit of a Jane Doe...” Lucifer explained.

Maze glanced over the top of her glass, somehow managing to look simultaneously furious and completely bored out of her mind.

“Hi!” Sam waved again as she approached, “I’ve been calling myself Sam.”

“Sam?” Maze eyed the young woman sceptically.

“Yeah,” Sam shrugged in reply, but smiled winsomely, “I like your necklace.”

It was Maze’s turn to puff up loftily.

Chloe concealed another grin. _Direct hit,_ she thought to herself. The necklace was a gift from Trixie. Sam’s sincere compliment would put her instantly in good favor with Maze, however unknowingly. Maze’s only response was a tight nod and a vicious smile cut across her lips.

“Detective, perhaps you’d show our guest around Lux while Maze and I get down to brass tacks?”

Chloe agreed, not that there was much else to show Sam. She could properly introduce Sam to the staff at least, and escorted her away from the bar again.

“If you were hoping to crash at your old digs any time soon I’m afraid they’ll be occupied,” Lucifer warned, nodding toward the retreating backs of Sam and the Detective.

“So who is she?” Maze drawled.

“Well that’s precisely what we need to figure out.” Lucifer explained and proceeded to update the demon on the day’s event – decidedly omitting the Detective’s ‘Devil-Daddy’ speculations.

By the time Lucifer and Maze had hashed out a deal for Maze’s services, Chloe and Sam had already ascended to the guest rooms. He followed them up there to check on their progress.

“How are we settling in then ladies?” Lucifer called.

“We’re just sorting through all these damn clothes!” Chloe called back.

A few moments later Chloe appeared from the hallway leading towards the bedroom. With a nod, she pointed a thumb back from where she had just been.

“Sam’s just picking something to wear. Then I said we could order takeout.”

“Excellent. Now’s the perfect time to check!” Lucifer said decidedly.

“Check? Check what?” Chloe frowned.

“Well for her wings of course!” Lucifer exclaimed.

Although he hadn’t made to move any closer, Chloe shot her hand out to his chest, “Lucifer, you’re not going in there.”

He blinked back down at Chloe in surprise.

“Well obviously I’m not,” He agreed. Chloe waited for him to elaborate, still very confused. “You are Detective!”

“What me?” Chloe retorted in a hushed tone. She could only hope their voices wouldn’t carry enough for Sam to overhear this insane conversation.

“Yes you! You were just with her a minute ago.” Lucifer explained in consternation.

“Lucifer, I don’t even know what I’m looking for!” Chloe hissed incredulously.

“You’ve seen _my_ wings plenty of times before.” Lucifer shrugged.

“You must be joking?” Chloe felt her eyes roll so hard she was sure they should have fallen out.

But after a pregnant pause and Lucifer’s expectant look, Chloe could only sigh in resignation.

“Fine!” she huffed and marched back into the bedroom.

Lucifer made himself comfortable in the modest sitting room. He perused his phone for a while, listening to the muffled conversation emanating from the bedroom. Eventually the murmur of voices ceased and Lucifer heard the door open and shut again.

Chloe’s head poked around the corner once more, eyes seeking out Lucifer. Her expression did not bode well.

“I have no idea what I’m doing!” She hissed in panic.

“Did you look at her back?” Lucifer inquired.

“ _Of course I looked at her back!_ ” Chloe snarled, barely containing herself. “What am I looking for?”

“I don’t know exactly!” Lucifer finally admitted. “Compare her with your own back?”

“Wha? My own... urgh!” Chloe throwing her arms up in frustration, stomped into the bathroom to use the mirror for a few moments and then stomped back into the bedroom again.

There was further murmuring and hum of chatter. A few moments later the door slammed again and Chloe’s aggravated face sprung from around the corner again.

“I can’t see any difference!” Chloe scream-whispered.

Lucifer shrugged unhelpfully.

“Seriously, how can you tell?” Chloe asked.

“I just _can_.” Lucifer frowned.

“Well what am I supposed to do then?” She huffed impatiently.

Lucifer shuffled awkwardly at a loss for suggestions until eventually he replied, “Just get her to keep changing clothes. Try poking around a bit and see if anything pops up?”

Chloe just stared at him astonished. After what felt like an eternity of disbelief, and no better suggestions forthcoming, Chloe let out a defeated sigh and returned to the bedroom _again_.

The merry chatter started up immediately. Lucifer couldn’t hear the specifics of the conversation, but clearly they had no trouble maintaining a dialogue. He waited expectantly, their voices reverberating steadily for a lot longer this time around. For a moment Lucifer suspected the Detective had given up her investigation.

Then their voices fell quiet suddenly. It remained quiet.

Lucifer cringed in the awkward silence and he was just about ready to call out in hopes of causing a distraction. But before he could lose breath, a gasp and peals of laughter cut him off. It carried on for several minutes until finally settling back into normal conversation.

The door eventually swung open again and Lucifer waited with baited breath. Chloe’s head appeared once again, shortly followed by the rest of her body. She looked frazzled and slumped exhausted into the chair beside Lucifer. Her breathing was a little ragged and she glowered.

After taking a moment to collect herself she finally said, “Still no clue about any wings but turns out she’s _ticklish._ ”

Lucifer snorted and couldn’t restrain his bark of laughter. He took a glance at the Detective simmering in aggravation, which only resulted in him doubling over with yet more laughter.

“I swear I wanna shoot you.”

The Devil laughed even harder.

*

For the next few days they were at a stalemate. Sam’s memories seemed disinclined to reassert themselves and Chloe and Lucifer were reluctant to broach the subject of celestial business to Sam.

The security footage from the convention centre had revealed nothing. There were no missing persons matching Sam’s description. They had even discretely had her fingerprints run through the system on the off chance of there being any information. But no, she was a ghost.

The staff at Lux seemed pleased to have her company however, so Sam spent her time puttering around the club and helping out wherever she could find herself useful.

And once Maze returned from her own excursions the demon would occasionally pop by, needling the young woman to see what reaction she could get. It didn’t however take Sam long to win her over and Maze was soon happily showing off her new knives and demonstrating her knife skills.

So it was of an evening at Lux they found themselves back at square-one, the Detective trying to convince the Devil that his current house guest was also potentially his progeny.

“Why ever she’s here and whatever she is Detective, I can assure you she is not _mine..._ ” Lucifer rumbled.

“You honestly don’t see a resemblance?” Chloe choked. He didn’t lie of course, but the power of denial was strong with the Devil.

“Of course not! Just look at her!” Lucifer remarked.

And Chloe _had_ looked at her. _A lot_. True it was harder to recognise Lucifer’s features in a feminine face but once she’d seen them side-by-side, Chloe had found it impossible to _not_ see it.

Chloe intended to point that out again except she realised the woman in question was now absent. She must have disappeared along with the podium dancers who were due for their break, Chloe assumed.

“It’s not just that she kinda looks like you,” Chloe pressed. “I mean come on, she talks like you, she laughs like you, she even sings like you!”

“Rubbish! That’s just the accent!” Lucifer denied.

“You’ve got to admit she has some of your flair...” Chloe insisted.

Lucifer was blustering himself ready to retort once again but was surprised into silence when the music dropped. Both confused, the Devil and the Detective looked over to the DJ booth to see it vacant and instead Maze grinning wickedly. Below the booth a dark skinned gentleman sat down at the piano ready to play.

“I didn’t know Callum was playing a set tonight?” Chloe observed curiously.

“He wasn’t...” Lucifer replied warily.

Then a drum beat began thrumming out of the sound system. A few seconds later Callum with the piano, a saxophone somewhere out of sight and a disembodied voice chimed in simultaneously.

_“_ _You got two black eyes from loving too hard  
And a black car that matches your blackest soul...”_

A spotlight speared across the club to illuminate the singer. Chloe was unsurprised to see Sam basking in the light, belting out the lyrics with abandon, and flanked by two of Lux’s dancers – one of which was brandishing the saxophone.

Sam’s voice and the music continue to spill forth into every crevice of Lux, the beat setting foots to tapping and her display triggering smiles throughout her audience. She made a smooth glide down to dance floor, the dancers with her doing most of the fancy foot work. Sam however still made an effort to twirl gleefully, throwing a wave up to Maze in the DJ booth and then directing eyes to Callum as his deft fingers sprinted across the piano keys.

_“The black magic of Mulholland Drive  
Swimming pools under desert skies  
Drinking white wine in the blushing light  
Just another LA Devotee...”_

Lucifer watched a little slack-jawed. The young woman was in her element and sending his patrons into raucous cheer.

“Yeah, nothing like you _at all_...” Chloe drawled directly into his ear.

Lucifer looked back at the Detective, but still found himself gaping quite unbecomingly. Her answering grin gave him the jolt he needed however. He harrumphed at the Detective’s knowing gaze and directed his attention back to Sam’s performance.

A flicker of movement from above and Lucifer caught Maze offering a thumbs-up to Sam, which Sam responded with her own flourish. Of course Maze had something to do with this stunt, she was the last person to ever highjack Lux’s sound system.

Lucifer thought however that this performance was decidedly more upbeat that the previous soulful serenade. And once he got over his initial shock, he was finding the song absolutely delightful.

He turned back to the Detective with his own grin and was pleased to discover Chloe was mouthing along to the words with her own bright smile.

_“The high rise lights read your rights  
And a downtown storm with Aries rising  
I couldn't change ya, oh  
Couldn't ever try to make you see, no  
Static palms melt your vibe  
Midnight whisperings...”_

“Detective!” Lucifer cheered over the music, “I didn’t take you for a Panic! fan?”

“I wasn’t!” Chloe yelled back whilst still bopping to the rhythm. “Trixie got obsessed with the song from Frozen 2...”

_“Sunsets on the evil eye  
Invisible to the Hollywood shrine  
Always on the hunt for a little more time  
Just another LA Devotee...”_

“Then she heard the guy singing it...” Chloe explained, “ _Then_ she found out he’s part of a band and that they have _dozens_ of songs. She was listening to them for _months!”_

Chloe leaned closer in conspiratorially, “I managed to keep her away from the ‘Explicit’ songs. I’d never hear the end of it from Dan if she started singing swears!”

Lucifer’s eyes glimmered wickedly, the sinister clogs in his head whirring away.

_“LA Devotee  
LA Devotee  
LA Devotee  
LA Devotee...”_

“Don’t you dare teach Trixie any dirty songs!” Chloe admonished with a laugh.

“But Detective, if it’s only swearing you’re concerned about,” he purred into her ear, “there are so many naughty songs out there that use perfectly civilised language!”

“You are unbelievable!” She exclaimed in despair, though Chloe couldn’t help returning Lucifer’s grin with one of her own.

“See Detective...” Lucifer chided.

_“Just another, just another, uh oh  
Just another, just another, uh oh  
Just another, just another, uh oh  
Just another LA Devotee...”_

“... I’m a terrible influence. I couldn’t possibly father any spawn of my own...” the Devil concluded.

The music wound down to bubbling applause. Though Lux was not at full capacity, the numbers were still enough to send a pleasant rumble through the air. Sam and her cohorts bowed graciously and dispersed. Sam ran up to Maze and the pair congratulated themselves with a double high-five.

Chloe rolled her eyes, “Riiiiight... because your attitude towards cursing has any bearing on whether you could ‘possibly father any spawn’.”

“Mock all you like Detective but I am telling you, an angel – especially the Devil – cannot impregnate a human.”

Chloe held him with a penetrating stare.

“Your brother managed it.” Chloe reminded him.

Lucifer bristled, “Yes, well at the time Amenadiel was practically human. I fortunately have never had to suffer that particular indignity.”

“ _Thanks_...”Chloe glowered. Lucifer had the decency to look at little sheepish and empty his glass with a dismissive shrug.

The Devil could still feel Chloe’s eyes on him however. He gave a sigh and regarded the Detective again.

“Alright, let’s suppose this ridiculous notion were somehow feasible.” Lucifer hedged, hand gesturing towards Sam’s location. “That for an inconceivable moment it was _conceivable_ ; there is still no way that Sam over there could have come from these marvellous loins!”

Lucifer’s palms gestured downward to emphasis said loins.

“Ew.” Chloe choked.

Lucifer was silently pleased he’d managed to get another rise out of the Detective. Now that he had Chloe’s attention, he turned fully in his seat to face her and drive his point home.

“She’s too old to have been born in the years since I retired from Hell,” waving his arm out to indicate the club that was not yet a decade old, “and she’s certainly too young to have been conceived on my last brief sojourn to Earth back in the seventies... It’s simple maths Detective.”

Chloe frowned, not at all convinced. Certainly in a normal situation such an argument would make sense. But since when did anything regarding angels, demons, Heaven and Hell ever make sense?

“Ah! Ah! You said time gets weird between Earth and up there or down there!” Chloe noted primly, pointing up and down for added effect. “What if – what if it has something to do with that? What if she was hidden away for some reason? Maybe that’s why she can’t remember anything...”

Chloe gave Lucifer a triumphant poke to the chest. He let out an impatient sigh.

Not ready to concede entirely on the ridiculous notion, he pressed on, “Alright then, if by some egregious temporal and spatial anomaly I had sired a little Damien, who pray tell is their mother, hmm?”

Chloe shrugged. She had only really considered the celestial side of her theory.

“I dunno Lucifer! You’ve had a pretty prolific love life.” Chloe rolled her eyes. Lucifer looked smug. “You’ve slept with literally _thousands_ of women!”

Lucifer’s grin only widened. Ignoring Chloe’s flippant response, he leaned in closer. He tucked a lose hair leisurely back behind Chloe’s ear.

“Surely it would be obvious Detective?” He purred, lips barely an inch from her ear, “By your own assertion, my brother sired his own spawn when he was at his most human. Ergo, for it to be possible, I’d have to do the same."

Lucifer paused for a moment, making sure Chloe was taking his words in. Chloe tilted her head slightly, still struggling to understand what Lucifer was trying to suggest. She sipped her drink, as Lucifer continued to pontificate.

“And who is the one woman in the entire universe who is capable of making me even remotely human...”

Chloe spluttered in her drink. The penny dropped. The color drained from the Detective’s face.

“Holy crap.” She choked.

“Yes well, you can be changing _those_ nappies Love.”

**Author's Note:**

> And that's all she wrote! (Because she has no idea where to go with this story...)
> 
> Is Sam her real name? Probably not... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Why did she have a British accent? Eh, unlikely as it would be, I figured why not?  
> Where/when did she come from? No idea!  
> Why is she in LA now? No idea!  
> Does she have wings? No idea!  
> Does she have Lucifer's mojo? She's a combo of Chloe Decker and Lucifer Morningstar -_- She doesn't frickin' need any mojo!
> 
> This fic was mainly an excuse to needle Lucifer until the final punchline of Chloe's realisation XD
> 
> Hope you found that entertaining, and if it inspires any idea for you, you are very welcome to run with the story.


End file.
